When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
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*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face