What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
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We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Catering service
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard