If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
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I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
for all #parents out there
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe