If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
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i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.