Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
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If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one