What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
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Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up