What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?