Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
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Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
My flabber has been gasted.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”