Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
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This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
What about a To-Don’t List?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.