Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
You Might Also Like
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Every time.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why