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Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Extremely relatable.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl