The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
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It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.