“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
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Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
How high do the levels go?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad