the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
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[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.