Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
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Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
The French word for sex is croissant.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
nobody’s gonna understand
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.