“That’s what” – She
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You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Only a mother’s love …
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars