[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
they finally got him. they got macavity
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.