What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
You Might Also Like
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?