My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
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“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Always a metermaid never a meter
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Sooo many times…..
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady