Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
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If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”