My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.