learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
You Might Also Like
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Happens to everyone.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform