The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten