9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
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I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Goat cheese is for herders.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Always a housemaid, never a house.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.