if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
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POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.