When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
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I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Planet of the Apps.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?