6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
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What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Thinking about Jeff
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!