I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
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My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
The only equipped I am is ill.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
next level snooze
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.