You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
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Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
If you need a laugh.. 😅
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.