me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
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– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge