Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
FINE, I WON’T.
They’re on their honeymoon
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering