My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
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Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.