[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
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I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Smallpox sounds so adorable
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead