me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
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I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I thought this was funny lol
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.