[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
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[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
three things we don’t talk about
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[montage of me giving-up]
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put