Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
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Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?