Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
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DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
A woman drives into a bar.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.