“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
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I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.