I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
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ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
💻🤡