Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
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Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon