[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
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Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Guilty! 🤪
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.