I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
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[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
cry laughing at this shit
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done