I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
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My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”