Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
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If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Breaking news:
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most