June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
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I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child