People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
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a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.