Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
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HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Body by Oreos
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.