My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
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I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can鈥檛 convince me that America is real.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn鈥檛 the same driver as the last time.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I鈥檓 sorry, Dave. I鈥檓 afraid I can鈥檛 do that.”
“What鈥檚 the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She鈥檒l probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I鈥檓 only human and that shits funny
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don鈥檛 even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what鈥檚 best for me.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
鈥淚T’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
H: Let鈥檚 watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie 鈥淧arenthood鈥漖
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 饾樀饾槱饾槮饾槸 exterminate all human life.
fr
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?