Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
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*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
#growingpains
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )