My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
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A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it